This is a different thankfulness post. It may be hard for some of you to read. I know it is hard to write. But I must get these words out. I believe they are meant to minister to other women.
Day 18 – I am thankful for my miscarriage.
Two years ago today, I miscarried twins at 18 weeks.
Don’t get the wrong idea. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through in my life, up to this point. Even now, two years later, I cannot sit here and write about it without crying.
But I am thankful. That is not a lie.
God used those 18 weeks to teach me to trust him with the most precious part of my life – my family.
You see, we had some indications early on that there might be problems with this pregnancy. It was a spontaneous multiple pregnancy – meaning we were not using fertility treatments or anything. In the miracle of conception and development, we conceived identical twins. The perinatologist counseled with us after an early ultrasound revealed that one twin was not growing as quickly as the other twin. A small difference is normal, but this difference was out of the normal range. We were informed that our twins might be suffering from Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome. (TTTS)
This news led us to research twin pregnancy and complications more, and we were blessed to connect with the wonderful people at TTTS Foundation, the only non-profit support organization for families dealing with TTTS. With the information and support (including phone calls) we received from the founder, Mary Slaman-Forsythe, we proceeded to place our babies’ health in God’s hands. We knew there was a chance that we would lose one of them, but we were not prepared to lose both.
In His wisdom, God chose to take both of our little babies to Heaven with him before we got a chance to meet them, hold them, or even find out their gender. He knew that they would both be in very fragile health here, and he spared them that pain. He also spared us the pain of parenting severely ill babies.
I believe that God used the weeks leading up to the miscarriage to prepare me for what He was about to do. He really worked in my spirit to lead me to give the future of my babies over to Him. I was literally driving down the interstate, crying and praying out loud after a doctor’s appointment, and I came to the point of saying, “God, if it is Your will to take one of both of these babies, I can accept that. I know it would not be easy, but if it’s Your will, then it must be the best thing for our family. Your Will be done, not mine.” From that point on, I had a mysterious peace.
Going through this miscarriage process was an amazing time of trusting in the Lord, resting in His peace, crying on His lap, leaning on His shoulder, and feeling His arms wrapped around me. It was one of the few times in life when I have felt like whatever my response was in the present moment, it was okay because God was right there with me. He is big enough to handle all of my emotions, and I was uninhibited in expressing them to Him. It sounds strange, but it was the most peaceful time I’ve ever experienced. I knew that I was right in the middle of God’s will for my life, and though it was extremely hard, it was also comforting to know I was obeying Him in my attitude, and that His peace was my reward.
So today, two years later, I can say that I am thankful for my miscarriage. I can’t wait to get to Heaven and meet my two little babies. I am thankful that God has them with Him, safe and sound and whole in body and mind. I am thankful for my son, who was four at the time, and was a huge comfort to me in the weeks following the miscarriage. I am thankful for my daughter, who is eight months old now and brings joy to our lives each day.
I love You, God, now more than ever. Thank You for every blessing You have placed in my life, even the ones that have been difficult to receive. May these words and my testimony minister to a woman in need of Your comfort and healing today. In Jesus’ name, Amen.